The content originally prepared for this week's newsletter was not this. Last night, I made a last-minute change and decided to write this piece overnight. This issue of the newsletter is a belated "official announcement" and also a "farewell letter," commemorating my recently passed love that lasted only 20.5 days.
Although we didn't know each other for long and our time together was brief (from May 1 to May 21), I am very grateful for everything you gave me. This was the sweetest relationship I've ever experienced, fulfilling all my fantasies about love over the years. Additionally, I want to add a sentence of apology: I didn't take good care of this relationship, which led to its premature end. You turned away decisively and gracefully, leaving it forever in the most beautiful days. Thank you.
This issue of the newsletter is a delayed reflection on "Love Like the Bouquets," which is the only movie we watched together in a cinema. You insisted on watching it, while I said I didn't want to see it because the ending was a bad one. But whether it was when we finished watching it or at this very moment, the sweetest form of love that "Love Like the Bouquets" showed me has always been buried deep in my heart, becoming my longing. The reason I haven't written this reflection until now is that I felt embarrassed to express my feelings in words, and I have never written an article to discuss emotions.
Now that things have come to this, the past is the past. Today, I take the opportunity of the newsletter to make an "official announcement" while discussing my understanding of love in relation to "Love Like the Bouquets."
Mai and Juan are two extremely compatible people who met, got to know each other, and fell in love by chance. They spent a year or two in incredibly sweet times. After graduating from university, Mai became a corporate worker and changed a lot, constantly chasing after "money" under the pressure of promotions and salary increases, forgetting the plot of "Land of the Lustrous," not watching "Golden Kamuy" after the seventh volume, and no longer discussing Natsuko Imamura's new works with Juan. Meanwhile, Juan remained like a girl from her student days, willing to quit a decent job to pursue her favorite work, watch her favorite plays, and chase novels and comics.
The inconsistency in their rhythms and differences in values ultimately led to the end of their relationship in the fifth year. At the moment of parting, Mai proposed to Juan. Mai's logic was that since their romance couldn't continue, they might as well get married; if marriage couldn't last, they could have a child; and if that didn't work either, they could just make do. After all, love would turn into familial affection, isn't that how it goes?
Indeed, modern young people in a noisy, fast-food-like environment go through life in a series of procedures, lowering their standards and constantly compromising after repeated setbacks, using one black hole to fill another until they lose themselves in the endless night.
Juan, however, remained that pure-hearted girl, a girl with dreams of love. Even when faced with her most beloved person, she held back her tears and refused the proposal, decisively breaking up. This confirms the saying: "The end of love is inevitable; not ending is accidental." Mai and Juan, an enviable couple who were incredibly compatible, ultimately faced a bad ending.
This is the entire story of "Love Like the Bouquets."
Next, I will attempt to answer four questions:
- What is love?
- Why do we need love?
- What is the bond of love?
- How to cope after losing love?
What is love?#
First, let's try to answer a question that has no answer—what is love?
You have always complained that it was because Mai changed that the fairy-tale couple's love came to an end. But I want to say, neither Mai nor Juan is at fault; this is reality. Love is essentially just a pleasurable emotion caused by hormones; it is fleeting, coming quickly and leaving just as fast. If one wants to maintain love, perhaps they could adopt forms like "absence makes the heart grow fonder" or stronger hormonal stimulation to temporarily sustain it, but ultimately, it will still dissipate.
In the first issue of the newsletter, I quoted a line from "Chungking Express": "I don't know when it started, but everything has an expiration date. The mackerel will expire, the meat sauce will expire, even the cling film will expire. I began to doubt if there is anything in this world that doesn't expire."
That's right; everything has a shelf life. From a scientific perspective, the longest shelf life of love is 18 months, and the shortest, as you said, is 21 days. We lingered at 20.5 days, the moment when love was still present.
So, under the premise of having a shelf life, what can love be?
Kazuya Okazaki interprets love as "a momentary dream." The precise feeling corresponding to that dreamlike moment when souls intertwine is "love."
That moment is you beside me at the grand circus, the joyful applause and smiles.
That moment is when we ride the roller coaster, and you scream while tightly holding my hand.
That moment is the confession at four in the morning, the unquenchable lights of Huangpu Avenue.
That moment is the poetic scene of walking under the rain by the Pearl River, both holding an umbrella.
That moment is the beginning of many heartbreaks and pains.
Indeed, everything in this world has a shelf life, and "that moment" for me is eternity.
That dreamlike moment, for me, is love.
Love consists of small moments of positive resonance, real, positive, and pleasurable experiences that occur at specific times. In other words, "forever" probably just expresses a degree; "I will love you forever" means that in that moment, I felt that I would love you forever. Love is that moment's feeling.
But it is important to distinguish that this kind of love is not an impulsive feeling in a moment of chaos, but rather the eternity I feel in that moment. Thus, I will envision various details of the future, building our love's grand edifice. Even if it collapses for various reasons at some future moment, after the sadness and pain, I will not forget the joy and anticipation of building it.
This is how I see love, without entangling the past, eternity, and the future. Many things do not have an ending; that alone is already the best ending we could achieve at that time.
Why do we need love?#
The second question is, why do we need love? Strictly speaking, this is my interpretation, which may not represent the love needs of the general public. So the question might need to be rephrased: why do I need love?
My last relationship ended 17 years ago, and it was a hasty conclusion. I even wonder if I might not be suited for love. For the past five years, I have been constantly searching, so why do we seek love?
For me, it is because I fear loneliness. There is a passage in "The Bookshop on the Island" that I particularly like:
"Because deep down, we fear we are unworthy of love, we wander alone. Yet it is precisely because we wander alone that we believe we are unworthy of love. One day, you won't know when, you will hit the road. One day, you won't know when, you will meet her. You will be loved because for the first time in your life, you will truly no longer be alone. You will choose not to remain alone."
After being loved, I discovered how wonderful it feels to be valued. It turns out there can be such a wonderful person in this world who values lonely me. Thus, I have been searching for that person.
In the fast-food era of relationships, the focus is on broad fishing and rapid elimination. There is a saying: "If you don't settle, you will gradually grow old. Life will become harder, and you will feel lonelier."
But I will not settle; I look forward to that moment when love arrives. But perhaps, not settling might mean I will never encounter any love, never possess "a momentary dream"; or perhaps, no one will ever love me; but perhaps, how I live is unrelated to this.
What I seek is a genuine experience, not "a momentary dream," but "a moment of reality."
The feeling of being cherished by someone will free me from loneliness, allowing me to truly feel that I am alive. It is real, not a dream. I do not wish to recall the past as if it were an illusory dream. I write in my diary every day; when I am with you, I also write a planner daily; I record real-time experiences in my calendar using "ATracker," precise to the second; my walking paths are silently collected by "Footprints," gathering my GPS information.
Why do I risk recording my behavior logs in the era of big data? Because it makes me feel that I truly exist in this world.
Additionally, there is another important reason: I am someone who values experiences immensely. In a previous blog, I wrote, "The meaning of life lies in experiences," in the most authentic experiences of life at this moment.
There is a passage in "The Bookshop on the Island":
"We are not what we collect, obtain, or read. As long as we are alive, we are love, the things we love, and the people we love. All of this, I believe, will truly survive."
The meaning of life is not bestowed by so-called "major life events," but is rooted in the mundane and impermanent aspects of life. This is my life, my meaning. Therefore, I want to record every moment, whether joyful or sorrowful. In my annual summaries, I always share the emotional calendar of that year. Because that is the most authentic moment of my year. Whenever I recall those moments, I can vividly feel the scenes and my emotions at that time, thus allowing me to truly feel that I exist.
The only certain existence is the present; the only important thing is now, the feelings of this moment. One must first exist to discuss everything about life. I value collecting memories because I value my existence and life.
Returning to this topic, the souls of people are indeed difficult to connect; they cannot simply be labeled by simple characteristics. For example, I am an INFJ, and no matter how I test, I am still an INFJ; you are an ENFP, and I can tell you are an ENFP with my eyes closed. We should be a match made in heaven, but they are merely theoretical labels.
If we strip away all the labels we wear and still love each other, growing in love, then that love is the most genuine version of each other.
What is the bond of love?#
The third question is, what is the bond that maintains intimate relationships?
I have thought about this question and wrote down seven points to share with you:
- Affection: Mutual feelings between each other, which is the foundation of everything.
- Sincerity: A sincere attitude, maintaining open communication, and not closing one's heart.
- Understanding: On the basis of honesty, mutual understanding and empathy for each other.
- Trust: Based on understanding, mutual trust.
- Companionship: Staying together through thick and thin; companionship is the longest confession of love.
- Desire to Share: A strong desire to share everything experienced personally with each other.
- Synchronization: Shared interests and hobbies, similar growth directions, and common goals to strive for.
- Positivity: Being optimistic and cheerful, being each other's sunshine.
We both did well on each point, yet we still separated. Perhaps my answer is fundamentally incorrect.
Indeed, intimate relationships are primarily a process of continuous adjustment, upgrading, and mutual self-disclosure. In this process, each person feels validated, understood, and cared for deep within their hearts by the other. When both partners ultimately incorporate each other into their selves, it forms a structure of mutual dependence, meaning that an individual's love for their partner becomes a driving force in each other's lives, the most important part of their lives.
Once I fall in, I will love wholeheartedly without considering the consequences, but tonight my friend told me that I have not been myself during this time. He said my priorities in life have completely changed, putting love first and pushing everything else to the back, and that I have invested too much, leaving too little for everything else. I rarely have time to study on weekends and after work, and I seldom have time to accompany friends to play, even becoming somewhat indifferent in my responses and requests for help.
I feel helpless about this; in my heart, this order of priorities is certainly not a problem. I know what I want, and I know what is most important to me. I often introspect and strive to maintain my best self, continuously moving forward. Yet when I encounter love, I lose my direction.
I do not know if this is right or wrong; perhaps there is no right or wrong at all. But I also do not know what I might miss or what regrets I might have, nor do I know how to realize my dreams. I do not know where fate will lead me. I can only follow my feelings, moving forward step by step, all powered by your love.
How to cope after losing love?#
The last question is, how to cope after losing love? This is actually the question I most want to explore right now.
Previously, while looking for a place, I felt that after searching through so many agents, only the last agent could earn the commission. No matter how hard the previous agents worked to find me the best places and showed me many houses, it was likely all in vain because only the last agent could get paid.
In comparison, every relationship serves as nourishment for the next, ultimately only to serve the most suitable person. Because in the end, true love, the one that leads to marriage and a happy ending, can only be one.
So, does that mean everything before was meaningless?
Not at all.
When I first started looking for a place, I actually had no standards. It was only after being shown house after house by various agents that I realized I liked having a living room that opens to a balcony, a community with a shuttle bus, a spacious living room, and a sunlit bedroom. Each of these points was summarized through repeated experiences, and only then did I find what might be the most suitable house now.
If we make a somewhat inappropriate analogy with relationships, each one has brought me growth and regret. Just as I experienced while playing "Finding Paradise" last year:
Regarding loneliness, Faye said at parting that no matter what, lonely moments will always come. But this is part of growth, part of life. It makes every moment spent with those we love incredibly precious, giving our memories immense value.
Regarding choices, Sophia said that life is so short that we cannot accomplish everything we want to do. No matter what we do, there will always be other things worth trying, and another path worth taking. So in the end, what we can do, and must do, is to be satisfied with the path we choose.
Regarding regret, Colin said before he passed: "Those opportunities I missed, those little accidents, and all my unfulfilled wishes… Yes, they are still my regrets. But they have given me everything I have now. And everything I have… nothing can take it away."
Everyone is trapped in loneliness, yet they act recklessly. I think that as long as people see through the world's embellishments, the world will belong to them.
Cherish the present, cherish this moment, cherish everything around you.
We fall in love with someone because they happen to meet certain needs we have. There are many such people in the world, so there is no such thing as a destined unique love. But it is precisely at that moment that I met you, not someone else; that is fate.
But I may not be able to walk with you to the end. I always say to love wholeheartedly and not leave regrets. Only now do I realize that perhaps no matter how we choose, there will still be regrets.
This is regret, the regret of Colin at the end of his life, the paths Sophia did not choose, but at the same time, it is also the moment Faye cherishes the most, and it is my most treasured experience.
Each of us is a unique individual, and every memory cannot be replicated, nor can it be relived. All I can do is cherish it, keeping it well in my secret box. When one day in the future, I happen to take it out, I can
recall that moment at the grand circus;
recall that moment on the roller coaster;
recall that moment of confession at four in the morning;
recall that moment by the Pearl River on a rainy night;
recall that "momentary dream," and still experience that genuine, heartfelt joy, which is the meaning of my life.
If I could choose again, I would still chase after you, even if the final outcome is just a dignified breakup.
Returning to the topic, why is this drama and this article called "Love Like the Bouquets"?
I used to hate it when others gave flowers. During graduation, I explicitly asked my good friends not to give me flowers; if they had to, dried flowers would do. Because I couldn't stand the process of flowers wilting. I knew they were beautiful now, but I couldn't bear to see them wither.
However, this stereotype was ultimately broken by myself. When preparing fresh flowers for you, I realized—how beautiful fresh flowers are, and how wonderful it is to give them to such a wonderful you!
Perhaps this is the value of fresh flowers—although the bouquet of love may wither, it still blooms vigorously and brilliantly. Especially when this bouquet of fresh flowers is a carefully prepared gift.
The most precious memento of love is the change you left on me, just like rivers shape the terrain.
The books I have read, the movies I have watched, the music I have listened to, the food I have eaten, the parks I have visited, the performances I have seen, the people I have loved—they have long been integrated into my blood and flesh, shaping my present, becoming a part of my body. This 20.5 days of blooming has already merged into my blood, my habits, and become a part of my future life.
The beloved you disappeared at the moment of our breakup, and the love and longing in my heart are merely memories of what I once had. I know that some things cannot be forgotten, some things are worth commemorating, some things can be willingly accepted, and some things are beyond our control.
I always fail to cherish the person in front of me. In an unpredictable future, I thought we would always stay in touch, that we would definitely meet again, that we would have the chance to say sorry, and that everything would be fine after today. But I never considered that every farewell might be a final goodbye.
So in the end, please cherish everything in front of you, value your most authentic experiences, and treasure that "momentary dream."
Thank you for the love you once gave me—a beautiful bouquet that bloomed for 20.5 days.